Break up thoughts be like

"What’s a promise??
I believed you. When you said forever. When you talked about the future. You said nothing would change. That we’d stay the same. 3 years was nothing for us right? Now only 3 months later its all changed. Your optimism was contagious, though I tried not to let it show. In the end I was left hanging on to something that wasn’t even there. Like the sensation you feel when your on a see-saw and the other person gets off without warning. That’s where you’ve left me. On something meant for two. The thing is I can’t be angry though? If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it’s yours and if it doesn’t you’ll never know. Anyway, why would I find it easier if you had just cheated? Then there would be a reason why your feelings had changed. Then again I wouldn’t wanna open that can of worms, what with all the daddy issues surrounding that. Is it because I fulfilled my usefulness to you? I helped you through some of your rough patches and now I’m expired? That’s how dark my thoughts have turned but I know your not that perverted. You tried your best, you really did. I could already tell when you were starting to drift away from me. It was when I was at my lowest and I was so sure I’d get over it like I always do, but this was bad. I’d never experienced despair like this before so I didn’t have a clue how to handle it. I had become a pro at faking a smile and it didn’t take me very long to learn. I almost convinced myself but that’s because I was always distracting myself. MTV and YouTube had become my refuge. It was always at night left alone with my thoughts that thoughts would haunt me. Thoughts that were once filled with beautiful things but now held nothing but things that I wouldn’t want anyone to experience.
I really have no idea why I cried so much during that skype call. It’s not like I didn’t feel that things had changed. It had already felt like we were friends again but I guess I was still hoping that we were sticking to the whole 3 years thing. However, I have to be fair, we’re only human. You can’t go from seeing someone nearly every week to only 3 times in the space of 4 months and have your feelings remain the same. I don’t know how I did it but that’s something else entirely so lets not go there. I’m glad your happy now at least. I mean you have things together now and that’s all I ever wanted from you.
It sucks knowing that if I never asked you how you feel about us that you would have left it til later. It hurts that you left it so long. You could have let me go properly before and I wouldn’t be left in the dark. Or maybe it was just communication.Ah idk. That’s just all my thoughts aired out for now.

Maybe I wasn’t good enough…you were always saying that I was a rookie at this whole relationship stuff. I really was. How’d you let go fast? I need to adopt your way of thinking coz this isn’t working for me. I still don’t know when I’m gonna talk to you. Maybe if I do go to auckland uni I’ll tell you so you won’t ever have to worry about seeing me again. And I can just hang with Mena and Courtney all day. I’ve always been a shit gift giver, but thanks for reminding me.

You don’t neeeed me anymore, that’s it!!! I was only of instrumental value. That is, I was only of some value because I was useful. In what, I don’t know. I want to hate you but I’m just too hurt. Luckily I can still think past it though and look forward to getting out of aut. I wish I never met you :( this sucks.

YOU FOUGHT SO HARD FOR US WHEN IT DIDN’T EVEN MATTER!!! WHERE ARE YOU NOW?!?! fuck you. You were a nice guy??? fuck guys. I’m seriously gonna live in the fucken forest and read all day and make my own food and save the fucken world!!!! I hope you really do find the girl of your dreams (no sarcasm). Wish I didn’t waste my fucken time though. Talking about love and shit. You’ve put me off dating. If this heart ache is what is on the line then it doesn’t even balance out with the happiness. To be fucking honest!!!!! Take mutharfucking care!!!!

Saw kaluba the other day. From what I hear you seem fine? Yes I asked about you because I still care. My friends ask me why I do but they don’t know that I’ve seen you sad. You sad is…..unbearable. I hate seeing you sad and if you are then I’m sorry because I may be part of it. However it wasn’t fair that you were just stringing me along like that. Letting me think that we were still doing the waiting game thing while you were doubting it and talking to everyone else about except me. I’ve always been there for you. And I will continue to be once I’M ready. Now that we’re over I don’t have to play by your rules. Not saying how I feel because you get hurt more, not being myself around you because I feel like your judgmental, not getting hurt when you like to tell me about every tom dick and harry that likes you. To be frank I think you got a bit of a thrill seeing me squirm when you brought other girls up. Honey I quit that game ages ago, I just found it so petty and ridiculous. I’m free of those feelings now. They ate at me. I’m slowly regaining all my friendships and mending things. You showed me love, for that I wanna say thank you….and fuck you up. Now go find you pretty white girl with nice clothes, a quiet laugh, nice toes, thats rich, and has ass and tits. Lets be real that all you and every other fucken islander guy in bloody New Zealand wants. But then you want an “island queen” naaaah fuck you. Meanest fucken bullshit I ever heard. I thought I didn’t give a fuck before? But now I couldn’t give 20 fucks. Don’t ever fucken pretend that you hated seeing me cry. You preyed on that shit. And don’t ever tell luba you’d be all for getting back together!!! You just need to face it. You don’t love me. You never did and that’s that.

Okay I’ve calmed down now. I’m in the mood to text you but I’ve already told everyone that I’d text you in August so I guess I’ll stick to that. Plus your the one who broke up with me/ dumped me so I really should stay away from you til the end of all time. mmmm thoughts thoughts thoughts”

Think that was a bit dramatic